A Broken Tree Read online

  Jean explained that her mother had married an older man, about fifteen years older than herself. Her dad was a good man, but he was also a hard-core alcoholic. He had tried to quit drinking many times but was never able to beat this terrible habit. Her mother worked a full-time job to help sustain the family because her husband usually spent his earnings drinking and gambling. They had to move so many times that Jean’s mother felt Jean and her sister were showing definite signs of trauma and depression.

  Jean explained that her mother worked overtime and picked up odd jobs so she could earn extra money. Little by little, her mother was able to hide away enough money to allow her to put a down payment on a house. Her mother was so excited and happy at the thought of buying a home of their own so that her little girls could stay in one place and make friends.

  One day, Jean’s mother discovered that her husband had found the money she had been saving. Unbeknownst to her, he had spent all of it on drinking and gambling, in one single evening. Her

  mother was devastated. Her dream of her daughters never having to move again was gone forever.

  A few days after this happened, Jean’s mother tucked her little girls into bed, read them a story, and told them how much she loved them, and that she was proud of them for being such good girls. She said good night and turned off the lights. Then she went to the river and simply walked into the water and drowned herself. She could no longer bear the pain of seeing her little girls suffer with an alcoholic father, never living in one place long enough to make friends. Her only hope of helping her daughters was now gone, and she couldn’t live with that thought. The only part of the original story Jean had shared with me that was true was the fact that it did take three days for the search party to find the body. For Jean, those three days of not knowing what had happened or where her mother was were the worst days of her life.

  This real-life story of the death of Jean’s mother is an example of how the stories we hear within a family often document an event, while at the same time, they cover up many of the real facts that are simply too embarrassing or too painful for the living family members to deal with. Jean’s first story recounts a tragic incident of a mother losing her life doing her daily duties. But the truth was far more traumatic, and a dramatic example of what families must deal with in real life.

  Be mindful that stories change as they are passed from person to person. A story told by Grandma may have changed dramatically between the time the experience actually happened and the time it makes its way to a grandchild. That is why it’s so important for anyone who hears a story that has been passed down through the generations to pay attention to the details and, where possible, to do some research and document the details of what they find.

  We don’t like incomplete stories; we prefer order and completeness. Because of this, our minds will find a way to fill in any holes in a story with information, whether fact or fiction. With each new storyteller, new holes appear, with new pieces of information to fill in those holes, leading to more changes and the evolution of a family story. This is especially true when children hear a story and it doesn’t make sense to them. They will change details and remember it in a way that makes sense to them.

  Upon doing a bit more research, I found that Jean’s second version of what happened to her mother was quite accurate. I think Jean learned the truth about her mother’s death as an adult, at her father’s deathbed.

  The reason I shared this story is to underscore the importance of recording all the facts you can when you first hear a story. Do some research and see what details you can find that might help to clarify the event. If it’s a story that is known by several family members, try to record everyone’s version. You may be surprised by the variations that have crept into the story. Any one version may hold a clue to help bring you closer to the truth. Be mindful that some stories will be heartbreaking; others might possibly demonize a celebrated ancestor; while still others may create an image of someone who is almost too perfect to be true. The facts are always at the mercy of the storyteller.

  Like my sister Holly, you may feel that some of your family stories need to die. Some are painful enough that you may feel the pain needs to stop with this generation. While I believe that in a few very rare instances that might be true, I would still be extremely careful about losing any family story. As much as possible, I try not to let any story I’ve found die. If it’s too painful or embarrassing, I keep a copy of it tucked away. Generally, the generations that follow are far more understanding and less likely to be traumatized by the story than those who lived during the time the event took place.

  It was the stories I heard as a child that, as an adult, convinced me we needed to create a DNA standard against which my siblings and I could be tested. It was these stories that eventually resulted in each of us learning who our biological fathers were. It led us to find half-siblings and to discover our real genetic legacy. It was our stories that, in the end, gave us a remarkable gift of self-discovery.

  A third piece of advice I would give to the reader is to begin now to gather DNA samples of family members. Start with your own family members and then expand from there. Gathering a DNA sample is as simple as taking a cotton swab and rubbing it on the inside of your cheek. Let it dry thoroughly and then put it away where it will be safe from contamination. Technology and medical discoveries are advancing so quickly that preserving DNA samples of older family members will mostly likely prove to be a great asset as you deal with health issues in the future. I won’t go into detail here on the dos and don’ts of gathering and preserving DNA samples; there are plenty of good articles online that will describe how to do this. But start gathering them sooner rather than later. Personal experience has shown me that it’s harder and more expensive to get information about DNA from a person after they are dead than when they are still living. While that sounds obvious, it may surprise you to learn how many people don’t do anything about gathering and preserving DNA samples from family members.

  The fourth piece of advice I would like to share is that we all need to understand that there are no perfect families. Ward and June Cleaver were not real people! Leave It to Beaver wasn’t real. Every family struggles with issues, which in many cases create grief, sadness, stress, and even shame. It’s all part of living in a family.

  With all families, it can take a lot of time, patience, and forgiveness to overcome the past and learn to live with how things turned out. For some, the damage is so great that there will be no forgiveness from the children. I once heard it said that if we cannot forgive and forget, at least we can forgive and move on. The sooner we let go of the unrealistic idea of the perfect family, the sooner we will be able to accept our own family for what it is, and enjoy the unique experiences and qualities it has to offer. Forgive, let go, and

  move on.

  Always remember that every family is different, and that’s really a wonderful thing. We don’t get to choose our parents or our siblings. We have absolutely no say in the matter. We would do well to not be so easily offended by the shortcomings of our family members, and to try our best to see the good in those we grew up with. It just makes life a lot easier when we do.

  I must say that our parents were unique. In so many ways, they certainly made my life interesting, and I think each of my siblings would agree. We are quite different from each other. We have all faced our share of challenges, and we all have plenty of good qualities that have made the lives of each one of us easier and more rewarding. I don’t expect anyone would consider our family typical in any way, but we enjoy our time with each other. We have shared so many experiences that make a family happy, and most importantly, we still love each other.

  You can embrace your unique story, or you can discard it and run away from it. But life can be a lot more difficult if you turn your back on your family. We all need and want a place that we can go back to and find acceptance when times are hard. I have learned to embrace my family and be grateful for t
he experiences that have shaped me.

  1. Kirkpatrick, Brianne, and Jennifer Harstein. Interview with Megyn Kelly, Megyn Kelly Today, MSNBC. September 7, 2018.

  2. Hamer, Ashley. “Remembering the Same Event Differently? That’s the Rashomon Effect.” Podcast audio, September 9, 2016. https://curiosity.com/topics/the-rashomon-effect-refers-to-conflicting-accounts-of-the-same-event-curiosity/.

  3. Kirkpatrick, Brianne, and Jennifer Harstein, Interview with Megyn Kelly, Meygn Kelly Today, MSNBC. September 7, 2018.

  4. Ibid.

  Chapter 8

  Where to from Here?

  As a family, we have come a long way over the past six years in our search for answers. We have learned a lot of new information that has dramatically changed our lives in ways we never could have imagined. Am I finished with my search? No, not yet. I have a few more tasks I would like to take care of before I feel like I can put this aside and call it finished.

  First, I would like to see if I can locate any offspring that Mark Anderson might have fathered. While I am convinced that he never fathered any children, I cannot prove that at this point. Given the circumstances, I honestly think he was sterile, but until I can prove otherwise, the possibility exists that there could be sons and daughters fathered by Mark Anderson that we don’t know about.

  Several well-known DNA testing companies allow customers to import a person’s “raw” DNA data into their databases. If I can work with our friend Jack Anderson to get Mark’s DNA sample converted into raw DNA data, I can add it to the databases of AncestryDNA, 23andMe, and half a dozen other databases. Once I do that, I can see if we come up with a match with any one of the millions of names in those databases. Even if I don’t get a hit right away, I know that each year, millions of new names are added, giving me a continuously new flow of names to check. If, over a five-year period, I find no match, then I will feel comfortable concluding that Mark did not conceive any children.

  Second, I eventually want to see if I can make contact with some of our half-siblings. I know that Tim and I would like to see photographs of our biological father and our grandparents. We’d also like to get medical information that we can pass down to our children. Photographs, stories, and insight into each of our fathers’ physical descriptions will add a whole new dimension to a relationship. It’s one thing to know who we are related to, but knowing something about who these men really were and what they did with their lives could help create a bond that might allow us to feel more at peace about our relationships with them. We could possibly even feel a sense of pride knowing we are a part of our father’s genetic line.

  Third, I would like to talk with others who have gone through a similar experience in their lives. I doubt my siblings will want to do this, but I definitely do. I’ve worked through all the phases of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, etc.—that most people go through when dealing with such a discovery, but being part of a community of others who have gone through, or are currently going through, the same type of experience can be helpful. I also want to help others who are just beginning to deal with the shock of discovering their new parent relationship. I feel like I’ve learned some valuable lessons that could help others navigate their experience without quite as much trauma.

  During my search for answers, I have learned that there is a name for people who have discovered that one or both parents are not their biological parents. We are referred to as subjects of a non-paternity event, or an NPE. On occasion, if the maternal side is in question, the acronym is defined as a non-parental (or non-parent) event. In most cases, the term non-parent event is used across the board. An NPE can result from:

  An official legal adoption.

  An unofficial non-legal adoption (where a child is “given” to another family member or a friend who has no children).

  An extramarital affair.

  Abandonment.

  A sperm bank donation.

  Rape.

  Kidnapping as an infant.

  Being switched shortly after birth, usually in the hospital.

  In some cases, both the mother and a child’s non-biological father may be fully aware of the circumstances surrounding a child’s conception and birth. However, on occasion, a father may have no idea that the child he is raising is a result of an NPE. If the child was conceived by another man without the knowledge of the current father, then finding out the truth through the use of a DNA test is often just as traumatic for the father (both the non-biological father and, in some cases, the biological father) as it is for the child.

  With the availability of inexpensive, easy-to-use home DNA tests, thousands of people are finding surprises they did not expect to see as their DNA test results come back. I have not found specific numbers as to how many people have discovered that they are a result of a non-paternity event, but one online support group called DNA NPE Friends boasts more than 4,700 members (as of January 2019) after being online for about eighteen months. That gives you a fair idea that the number of people who are subjects of an NPE is likely higher than most people realize.

  Unfortunately, online support groups are woefully lacking at this time. I found almost nothing of any real value when I did an in-depth online search for a support site. However, I did find one site on Facebook that looks like it’s got a lot of great potential. It’s a private group called DNA NPE Friends (https://www.facebook.com/groups/NPEGateway). DNA NPE Friends was started by Catherine St Clair and one new online friend who discovered that their birth was the result of an NPE. Like me, St Clair was desperate to find someplace to get help, but found nothing. So, in June of 2017, she started the DNA NPE Friends website with the intention of providing a place for like-minded people to get help dealing with their feelings, and to trade stories and give each other the support they need. I was so impressed with it that I joined the group, and I’ve found it very helpful.

  DNA NPE Friends is a “membership by invitation only” group that involves a gateway vetting process to apply. Applications are reviewed by system administrators to ensure that applicants are serious about being part of this group. Once an application is accepted, the new member is offered the opportunity to join the private section, where the general public is not able to read any of the posts. Members can converse with each other honestly, knowing that comments are protected from outsiders whose only interest is to read sensational stories. The site administrators go out of their way to provide a safe and secure place for members to converse with each other and carry on honest, heartfelt conversations.

  Inspired by DNA NPE Friends, in 2018 a nonprofit organization called NPE Friends Fellowship was introduced. The NPE Friends Fellowship provides practical support and resources for the NPE community (www.NPEFellowship.org).

  I also found a site called WatershedDNA.com (https://www.watersheddna.com), an online genetic counseling service operated by a woman named Brianne Kirkpatrick. She helps people who are struggling to find answers to their DNA test results. She provides a wide range of personal counseling services for a fee.

  I have found that sharing my story with others who have gone through similar experiences is very comforting. It has helped me to see that literally thousands of other people have gone through similar experiences, discovering that their personal history is not what they thought it was. If you find that one or both of your parents is not your biological parent, I strongly recommend that you don’t try to go through the emotional turmoil alone. Getting feedback and support from a professional therapist or others who have gone through this experience themselves can provide you with the help and perspective you need when your world is turning upside down.

  In so many ways, what we have discovered has started each of us on a journey—toward a new identity, new family members, a new image of who we are (and are not), a new health history, and, most importantly, a new sense of self-worth. We must be kind to ourselves and know that we are by no means alone. With time, we will find that we are part of a much bigger segment of the population
than we ever dreamed possible just a few decades ago.

  I take some comfort in knowing that my family is not alone on this strange journey. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy watching the looks on people’s faces as I tell them about my family story. Somehow, seeing their expressions of shock and surprise takes a lot of the sting out of the reality of what I’ve learned about my family and who I am. As long as I have been given this new story, I intend to have some fun with it.

  Family Tree

  Note to the reader: To help you understand the familial relationships in this story, I’ve included a family tree on the following page. However, I strongly suggest reading the entire story before turning the page to avoid spoilers.

  Linda and Mark Anderson with their children. To the right of each child is listed the first name of their biological father. DNA testing for all but Neil has proven that Mark Anderson is not the biological father of any of the nine children below. Neil has not provided a DNA sample to test.

  Mother

  Non-Biological Father

  Linda Anderson

  Mark Anderson

  ↓

  Children

  Biological Father

  1. Holly

  →

  Sam

  2. Judy

  →

  Sam

  3. Gloria

  →